Tuesday, March 2, 2010

I was there, a little over three years ago. I wanted to get one of those cutsie sweatpant and hoodie combo's those 'skinny chicks' wear. Uh huh. Bought a 'Large' and also found some cute jeans with the designer pocket embroidery and bought a size 16. Of course I didn't try them on, do you? I mean, what is more demeaning than undressing in front of a full length mirror in a 4x4 room with really crappy lighting?
So, I'm sure you figured it out. They didn't fit. I laid on the bed, staring at the ceiling, sucking in my gut and trying with all my might to zip those jeans. When I finally admitted defeat - I was devastated. I was now, a size 18 and would have to shop in the "plus sizes" or what is also known as the 'big ladies' section. How in the heck did I get here? I mean, I weighed more than I had with either of my pregnancies. I lost that weight pretty quickly after they were born, but, I know I definately weighed more than my 5 foot 3 and 3/4 should be carrying.
I remember taking my kids to the Point Defiant Zoo later that week. There was one area - I was so exhausted, my feet hurt, my hips hurt, my back hurt. I tell you this because there is no exuse for what I did. We had to walk up a slope to get to the 'viewing area.' I could see it without obstruction from the bottom. I could barely make it up the hill and I sent the kids (then - almost 4 and 6) to 'view' and come back down when they were done. What kind of mother does that? On their way back down, they were laughing and talking about how cute the animals were. I missed it. Not to mention the possibilities.....
A week or so later, devastating news came in. My step-father was diagnosed with Cancer and just a few days later, I found out that my father was also diagnosed, but with a very progressive cancer. Despite their ages, they were both in great health. Because of their health, they were able to choose some options that most men their ages could not have done.
What if that was me? What if I was diagnosed with cancer? Would I be able to fight it, would I be healthy enough to win and be able to watch my children grow up, hold my grandkids, be gray-haired on the front porch with Shawn rocking away while the sun sets?
The final straw was seeing a picture of me from the previous summer, and it took me about 1 minute of staring at it before I realized -- it was me! I got on the scale and found out that I weighed 186 pounds!!
I don't remember when I stopped crying. I do remember looking at the treadmill we had bought over a year ago, that had clothes hanging from it - some drying, some ready to be hung in the closet. I vowed to start using that treadmill and I was going to begin, January 1, 2007 - my 38th birthday. I had also planned to attend my 20 yr highschool reunion and was bound and determined to be healthy and thin -- in 9 months.

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